insecurity, guilt, delusion, the jesus and mary chain
four years ago,
I was contacted to take photos of the jesus and mary chain set @ Substance 2022 for the luna collective——an online and print publication whom at the time was claiming to be 100% analog photos only. I only shot digital though. Not that I never tried film. I've made attempts but never has it gone right. I've lost rolls, gotten light leaks, broken cameras, and anything that would put someone off from shooting film ever again (I still lust for a push into medium format though... one day).
I told aleah, the writer who propositioned me, that I wasn't sure about shooting it. luna's film only after all. why am I getting the tap to shoot? there's great film photographers covering concerts—if it were any other publication I'd jump at the chance but being a digital guy, I felt like a fraud. they assured me that luna was opening up to digital work when it specifically came to concert coverage because of rising film costs at the time. I agreed to do it, the anxiety still lingered.
the day of the show,
we met around the corner of the venue at a cafe before walking to the los angeles theater to pick up our credentials. we walked into the stunning lobby full of bodies in leather and latex, lace and palest makeup, chains and body modifications.
I think I wore a black t-shirt tucked into some faded black jeans.
I got to see light asylum and kumo 99 in the ballroom for a brief moment before it was time to find a spot for the jesus and mary chain in the main auditorium. the scale of that place... I wish I had glasses back then to take in all the ornate details of the ceilings and walls. shit was beautiful. if there wasn't a festival, or a gig to work, I had love to just stick around on a quiet day and look around.
——I actually had a brief moment to do just that when taylor played accordion as the opener for the cinespia screening of amelie there. it was a cute soundcheck; we hung out in the dressing room where I indulged in the free food and booze waiting there.
before the jesus and mary chain went on, we got lucky with the chameleons playing their set the day before they were scheduled to. two headliners in one night? I'll take it, even if the only songs of theirs I know are "nostalgia" and "view from a hill."
the setlist for the night. if the embed is broken, then know that I only really care about "darklands" and "just like honey" and seeing those being played live, them barely 20 feet away from me——what a time. the live preview from my camera, trying to capture these old fucks playing the shit I'd listen to during 3hr commutes on rainy days (barely keeping my sanity). I couldn't believe I was there. it felt like everything was really adding up, all finally came together for me to be there. I don't think I've caught that concert-shooting high since then. I've also hadn't had quite the opportunity since then either.
after the show
I went home and edited the photos. I still felt guilty about my digital coverage. I thought, why don't I go against the sole reason I got asked to shoot the show and change up my style to try to mimic film to hopefully make luna collective and all their analog fans happy? everyone will hate me if they find out I shot this (with a digital camera) and people will boycott luna collective if it comes out obvious! I'll just make it black and white and add the most obnoxious fake grain and everything will be okay and no one will hate me.
and what I delivered to aleah and luna were the stupidest looking photos. no life. no identity. no true representation of my artistic expression because I felt like I needed to compromise my instincts to people please in a situation where all I had to give was my honest best.
what could have been my biggest opportunity to put my name out there became an embarrassment I didn't wanna share publicly. I fucked up.
I'd eventually re-edit, embracing the "digitalness" of the photos and stopped trying to emulate emulsion. I brought back the color. let the noise be. and made stuff I would actually put up on my website. they popped visually now and would have been perfect for the official coverage on luna's blog but I let my guilt eat me. I wish I could say I learned to stop trying to be not myself but just in the beginning of this year I went on a tour where I didn't allow myself to immerse in my being and instead allowed myself to feel like a burden who couldn't deliver on what he promised (and let it come true), completely killed the vibes and most if not all chances of future work together——I do hope the lessons learned from all these messes finally stick.
my heart wasn't in it anymore
substance was 2022. trash mag and sleezehog stopped putting together shows that same year so I lost my monthly gig. the one time a month I get to practice. discover new people. try shit. be unafraid to blast a flash every now and again, fuck around in low-stakes shit to further discover who I am.
2023 til now, I'd get the rare gig every few months. the only gig I might get from that artist/band if I can't deliver in that one shot. It all feels high stakes, you don't get the breathing room to really mess around. at the same time though, I had that levity on that tour and it got me nowhere because it never really hit me. I cared too much of how I was perceived in everything I did.
what if everyone in detroit hates me pushing past them? what if the band gets really upset I keep using my flash (something that's prominently featured in my portfolio)? what if? what if? what if?